So many plotlines unfulfilled; so few spaces to incorporate them all. To break with the standards established in my byline, I will summarize this flick's tremendously underwhelming story in one sentence. An alcoholic mom sends her laughably-sex-crazed daughter to Mormon Town where Grandma yields a bar of soap and a hose like a shot gun, and where sex is better with men who act against their gods (by warily accepting blow jobs) than sex with one's father-of-sorts. Why won't those dirty bastards just say no?
And maybe this is serious. If there is one thing I am not down with, it's sexual abuse. But this movie made it seem a little hilarious. "I'm lying about it because I'm troubled...jk...but no, I'm serious. I lied about lying because it's pleasurable to smash my head into this stucco wall" or "I'm a superhuman he-she who can consume 17 bottles of various libations and still make a sentence."
But what was really wrong? This flick's lack of climax. I know where it should have been--she's finally refused by a man (the loner with the token dead family)--but Lohan's delivery left me wondering whether relief had finally come for her fiery loins. Of course, my climatic estimator may have been malfunctioning. Perhaps the intended catharsis came during the make out session with the veterinarian/physician; or when Grandma puts the crystal bedpan on her mantle; or--my favorite--when Alco-Mom corrupts her pre-pubescent neighbors by losing her brazier to her mother during their lawn-wrestling extravaganza. My heart hurt a little when that boy handed over her undergarments and robe while still tastefully averting his eyes. At last, a gentleman. Synopsis of Georgia Rule II: Felicity Huffman learns what courtly love is from her sagacious yet infantile neighbor.
Lesson Learned: "Statutowy wape is sewious!"
Reason To Watch: "When I get back from my mission, I intend to marry your granddaughter." **WHAT?!** And credits.
