Georgia Rule

The benefits of HBO exist in the continual promise of randomness and mediocrity at any moment of every day. Hence, slot one's lodger for all eternity: Gary Marshall's Georgia Rule. Because the flick was riding the HBO cyclone, I knew of the incest that wasn't before I knew of the lusty, sociopathic teen and her potophobic grandmother. Are you not inspired to flip over to HBO this instant?  But seriously folks, we need to address this casting issue. I can't decide whether it broke my heart, or simply accentuated the tragedy that this film was so drastically under-watched.  Cary Ewles (read: "Westley") as rapist step-dad? Lindsey Lohan as herself? Felicity Huffman as woman? The mechanical delivery of absurdo revelations ("My friend who held a gun to your head taped us, Daddy"--"Daddy" being this viewer's only embellishment) by this star-studded summary of my childhood's most influential characters make this flick a must see.

So many plotlines unfulfilled; so few spaces to incorporate them all.  To break with the standards established in my byline, I will summarize this flick's tremendously underwhelming story in one sentence. An alcoholic mom sends her laughably-sex-crazed daughter to Mormon Town where Grandma yields a bar of soap and a hose like a shot gun, and where sex is better with men who act against their gods (by warily accepting blow jobs) than sex with one's father-of-sorts.  Why won't those dirty bastards just say no?

And maybe this is serious.  If there is one thing I am not down with, it's sexual abuse. But this movie made it seem a little hilarious. "I'm lying about it because I'm troubled...jk...but no, I'm serious. I lied about lying because it's pleasurable to smash my head into this stucco wall" or "I'm a superhuman he-she who can consume 17 bottles of various libations and still make a sentence."

But what was really wrong? This flick's lack of climax.  I know where it should have been--she's finally refused by a man (the loner with the token dead family)--but Lohan's delivery left me wondering whether relief had finally come for her fiery loins.  Of course, my climatic estimator may have been malfunctioning.  Perhaps the intended catharsis came during the make out session with the veterinarian/physician; or when Grandma puts the crystal bedpan on her mantle; or--my favorite--when Alco-Mom corrupts her pre-pubescent neighbors by losing her brazier to her mother during their lawn-wrestling extravaganza.  My heart hurt a little when that boy handed over her undergarments and robe while still tastefully averting his eyes.  At last, a gentleman.  Synopsis of Georgia Rule II: Felicity Huffman learns what courtly love is from her sagacious yet infantile neighbor.

Lesson Learned: "Statutowy wape is sewious!"

Reason To Watch: "When I get back from my mission, I intend to marry your granddaughter." **WHAT?!** And credits.